marriage

FINALE

RingAnd…done.

Short and sweet.  In and out.  The worst year of my life finally comes to a close — one week(ish) after my fourteenth anniversary.

I don’t know if I really have anything profound to say, or even meaningful, except that I am officially unmarried (not divorced as we opted for dissolution).

I am not going to insult my ex-wife or vent my rage and sorrow over this messy affair any longer.  There will be no parties or celebratory exclamations or anything of that nature.  Just me, a bottle of Booker’s, some fond memories and, most importantly, the promise of tomorrow.

My ex-wife may have done things to hurt me, and she may not be apologetic for what she’s done (nor do I expect her to be), but I enjoyed being married.  Yes, even to her.  In spite of all that’s happened, all that’s been said and done, I believe her to be a good person at heart and a dedicated mother.

And let’s be honest, I made mistakes, too.

There was a time when I loved her deeply, even if the feeling wasn’t mutual in the end.  A part of me will always love her, I think.  I did not make the choice to marry her lightly or without due consideration as some have assumed.  We were together for a number of years prior to tying the knot.  We didn’t make hasty decisions.

We thought it’s what we wanted.

We thought it would last.

We had hoped, anyway.

That said, there were some good years (I think) and we still have children together, including one with special needs.  They’re all that matter at this point.  And that’s the real tragedy here, that two people couldn’t (or wouldn’t, to be more accurate) work passed their differences and prevent yet another family from being torn apart.

I don’t know what else to say…except c’est la vie.

There’s nowhere to go from here but up.

At least, that’s what they tell me.

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THE BEGINNING OF THE END…

PeepholeOnce upon a time, there was a girl…

…a girl whom I loved.

…a girl whom I obsessed over.

…a girl whom I wanted more than anything.

…a girl that didn’t love me.

I wrote her letters and called her on the phone.

I lay in bed each night dreaming of her, anxious for the next time I would see her.

And even though my dreams never came true, I’m grateful that once she was my friend…before I pushed her away.

I haven’t seen her in more than 20 years.

I still think about her sometimes.

She’s married now and has children.

I’d chased her for years.  I begged her to be mine.  I got on my hands and knees and pleaded and cried.  I never thought I could love another so intensely, that is, until another came along.

This one I married, and for 17 years I believed myself to be the luckiest man alive.  And I was.

Until…

Until the day when, so very innocently, I asked her to stop for rolls on the way home from work.

At the grocery, my ex-wife-to-be encountered an old flame of her own.

The one that (almost) got away.

From there it all spiraled out of control, and when the dust settled, I’d lost again.

That was a year ago today.

I sit here now, with my guitar in my lap, pouring my soul into music I can hardly play.

I’m reminded of that Lonesome Old Song…

 

That lonesome old song keeps on a playin’
And tellin’ a story that makes me so blue
How the girl that I love has gone on and left me
That lonesome old song reminds me of you

 

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